Colorfool

Every since I became pregnant I've been reading just about everything I could get my hands on about parenting.  The above picture shows some of the books in our house. I also read everything in two city libraries.  Do other people do this? 

I have many issues ( I know, who doesn't?) and some of them relate to childhood I know.  It's not that my parents were awful people or anything. They did they best they knew how to do. I just want so much for my daughter and I want her to be better than me. I'm also scared by how many seriously mentally ill people are in the world and all the mean, crazy, addictive, things that seemingly normal people do. Basically, I don't want to do anything that screws up Keely's pretty little head. I want her to be a joyful, happy, peaceful, honest, kind, loving person. I am not a happy person and I so want her to really BE happy. I decided I'd read everything I could get my hands on and educate myself as much as possible so I could make informed decisions about parenting her. I was raised pretty normally for American families, I think.  I don't agree with most of the normal parenting practices although by default I always return to those things. It has and is taking so much work for me to change my inner dialogue when dealing with Keely.  She does something I don't like and I automatically want to say or do something negative. Stop that! Don't do that! Why did you do that! If you do that… etc. I really hate that and am trying every second to change that.  I have slowly gotten better.  I really believe there are better ways to raise children than yelling, spanking, punishing and all the other mean & controlling things adults do. It sure is hard work though to be the mature adult and let the child be the child without squishing their will and forcing them to be who we want them to be.  My current read is  below. I'm just about done with it and it has made me feel like complete crap.  I feel like such a big jerk, when I thought I was doing pretty well.  All self-help books seem to do that to me. I read an example of not so nice parenting and then realize I have or do do that myself. And I don't even know why? I just re-act and let something pour out of my mouth before thinking.

So I spent most of my nap time reading the past few days and crying.  I was the super attentive parent for Keely's first two years ( I held this dear child for every one of her naps until she was 1 1/2 years old!!!!!)  and then she got a wee bit of independence and I took that and ran.  I started crafting and sewing and blogging and my full attention time with her got smaller. Now she is acting out, saying mean things and she is visibly and verbally angry at me sometimes.  I pushed her away a bit too soon.  I just wanted some time to myself to do some things I wanted to do.  Although being her mommy and stopping the path of negative parenting that has been past done for ages is really what I should be doing.  I am not good at balancing things. I want to do one thing and be really good at it. I obsess and work and dream about one thing and that's all I want to do.  Real healthy.  So, anyway sorry to be so heavy here. I'm guessing no one is still reading this at this point…. but I thought writing this might help my crazy brained self.  I'm cutting back on my crafting and trying to get back on track raising my daughter.  If I can't do something crafty at naptime, I guess I'm not doing it. Sewing and crafting isn't going anywhere but my little girl is. ( AND crazy us is talking about if we are going to have another child! I may start hyperventilating now. Keely has not been an easy child and I'm scared out of my gourd to go through another pregnancy like mine was with her. AHH. breath.) I'm  gonna just start saving every good crafty idea and inspiration I see and put it in a fat file for when there is more free time for me. The blog is going to continue of course. You all are my only adult social life! AH!